A Letter of Regret From Your Anxious and Depressed Friend

talkingthisandthat

Dear Friend,

I was not always this way.

I did not always hide away from the general public for months or weeks at a time. Once I was quite confident. I occasionally felt happy. I had a full time job and I could face customers with no concern. I would chat to people over the phone, make an effort to see friends, be interested in daily life. I could cope with negativity. Overcome it, even. I wouldn’t let anything bring me down because I had something inside me that made me keep going out there, into the world, facing it all.

But sometimes, Friend, things happen. Sometimes just one thing. Sometimes many things. The courage to face these things is strong at first, at least stronger than now. But depending on luck, or coincidence, or fate, or opportunity, eventually the voice of that courage for some people is quieter. Weaker…

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Dear brain.

Fuck. 

My emotions.

They consume,

They suffocate,

They burn.

Inside of me im dead.

But outside, 

I hide the real truth,

Of my pain.

The monsters,

all in my head.

The games and lies.

An endless cycle. 

I can’t get out.

It’s all inside. 

Dreams are better than reality,

My dreams let me breath,

Reality strangles me.

Fuck you emotions. 

All the negativity and darkness, 

Prisoner in my own mind.

Dear brain,

Please stop, 

Leave me alone, 

Let me live in the light. 

Words cannot explain what’s inside. 

But I can try.

You won’t like it in here, 

You’d be afraid. 

Ha even I hate it. 

A maze, a game, a lie,

Fuck my own mind. 

Thanks for the nothingness.

Bye bye.

-Dillydallydallin

My family 

My family is crazy. I don’t know how else to describe us. All over the place, random, hyper, loud, sarcastic, weird, rude, touchy, and overall… Different. I love my family. Well, some of them…. I don’t love my mother, that’s another story though. But my current family whom I love to pieces is my step mom, step sister, younger brother, dad, Nannie, papa, 2 cousins, an aunt, 1 dog, 3 cats, a fish, and my friends. Everyday is a wheel of emotions, crazy antics, and yelling. Right now my dad and step sister just made a shusher from the movie Home. And today we took family pictures. (It’s been a longgggggggg day) but if I look over it all, I love the mess that we are. We have so many things going on at once that it’s better just to take 20 steps back, breath, then regroup and figure things out. By the end of the day the big smile on my face is worth it. I love my family.  

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Family, Friends, Strangers- And Me.

People. Humans. Life. I struggle with it all. I am an independent person, meaning I am better off on my own. but that gets lonely, i become alone, and of course no one wants to feel alone. Sometimes I am alone in a world full of people. How ironic? 7 billion people and I am alone? I am off in my own world and my own mind.

Family. I have lots of family. My family loves me and is always there for me. Though I push them away sometimes. I am stuck in my own head that I can’t see that they care. I love my family. They hold me down and they understand me. Although some of my family has disconnected from me, the ones I actually needed, stayed. Family isn’t always by blood, its also by love. Its a different kind of love in my house. The crazy, bouncy, all-over-the-place, deep, understanding, loud household. My family is my family and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. People come and go, family is forever.

Friends. Friends come and go. I never have short term friendships. If your my friend you’re with me in the long run and if not you can leave now. The friends I have kept are the ones that I have known for years and know that they wont leave me. I don’t do the drama and crap for just short time friendships. I don’t play games. I will talk to almost anyone, but you’re not my friend unless you stay for a while. Having friends is a different kind of love. This love is either temporary, I don’t do temporary, or its understanding, I like when people understand me. At least they understand my crazy.

Strangers. A mob of people give me anxiety. People stare and whisper. I shut out people I don’t know. Because I don’t know them and they don’t know me. strangers are strange, and they can be strange away from me. I don’t have much to say about strangers.

Thanks for reading my random thoughts.

-DillyDallyDallin

Dads poems

My dad, my hero, my supporter, my friend, my enemy, my understanding guider. There is a million words to describe my father. No words can explain my love for my dad. Sometimes I am not the best daughter in the world but he has never left me and i appreciate that. Just like my dad, I am better at writing out my feelings then sharing them with others. It be poems or short stories or even quick little notes, my dad and I share a common bond, writing. If I could share every writing that my dad has made you would understand so much of my own inner feelings. He has this giant zip up folder with all of his writings and I have been adding mine to it and it’s getting really full. I have journals and folders and papers everywhere. I see a big part of my dad in me. I love my dad and he is my rock. Thanks daddy. 

~dillydallydallin

   

Adoption and A Game

Life is a chess game. You have all your pieces, and then there is the rest of the world’s pieces. You don’t know what move you are going to make and the world doesn’t know yours. But if one piece is lost to either side, the rest will be taken away, one at a time. My life in particular is a crazy, difficult, dynamic, and confusing chess game. When you hear my side of the story, you will be shocked how I’ve held on to my chess pieces so long.

I’m like every other teenager. I have my ups and downs, but I still had a lot of pieces on my chest board and many moves to to make. One move that really took some decisions on my part, was my game through adoption. Now, when someone you know gets pregnant, you’re excited. It means that you know someone who is growing a living soul inside of them. Not knowing what abstinence was, and really not caring, I was that reckless, careless, defiant teen. The kind of teen that ended up pregnant at 14-years-old. Statistics say that 3 out of 10 american women under the age of 20, will become pregnant. At this point in my life home and school were already very stressful. I had so many choices and moves to make.

Abortion was an option. But when I got that first sonogram and saw that little defenseless person inside of me, I cried. I honestly couldn’t kill someone so innocent. I understand if you got raped or sexually abused then you would believe that it was all one big mistake and you didn’t want to take care of a baby all by yourself. Of course its your decision, but it wasn’t mine. So abortion was not the right move to make.

I was left with two other options: Parenting or adoption. Now parenting at such a young age, is harder than you think. Fifty percent of teen mothers don’t graduate high school. That means no education, no job, no support, no money, and no help. It wouldn’t be easy. My chess game was already spiralling out of control and I couldn’t find a way to gain my moves back. Although parenting is always worth the love and joy of having another human being that you see as perfect in your life, it just wasn’t the right move for me. I was emotionally and mentally freaking out. Plus 8 out of 10 fathers don’t marry the mother or help with the child in any way. I was giving up, and losing everything is what i feared.

But there was one more move I could make: adoption. Now you would say that the reason I would do adoption and give my baby boy away because I was too irresponsible to take care of a baby. But that’s not true. I placed my baby boy up for adoption with the perfect family that could provide for him and take better care of him. This perfect couple that i personally picked and met,I knew was the right move to make. I don’t want sympathy or pity; rather I want understanding.

The family I originally picked out for him didn’t really want him and they didn’t care about his health, they only cared about how I felt. He was in the NICU for the first 4 weeks of his life. They didn’t want a special needs baby. So just like that, I removed them from the game as easily as someone removes a pawn from a chess match.. I needed to find a new family for him and fast. I eventually found the perfect family I’d been dreaming of. This perfect pair was the best move for this perfect little boy. They were prepared for anything and everything to come. Meeting them was next. We went out to lunch and I had them at my visit with our baby right after. On february 14th,Valentine’s Day, a month after he was born, I placed the most perfect baby boy with the most perfect couple. He finally went home. He had a place to call home. He has love and care. He is protected.

The family I  did adoption because they couldn’t have children of their own. Some couples just think it’s best to care for a baby, even if the baby is not theirs. There are three kinds of adoptions. Open, semi-open and closed. Open adoption is picture and letter updates and visits with the baby, semi-open is picture and letter updated but no visits, and closed is either updates and pictures when wanted or nothing at all, no contact. I did open adoption. I want to know everything. I want to be a part of his life. He is the king of all my chess pieces. He is the greatest move I had to ever make and I am proud. I am far more different now than I was back then. Because of this little miracle, I lost a big player in the game, but I won something no one else really could, the chess game that told my whole future.

I will post more about my adoption story soon.. Thanks.

-DillyDallyDallin

Smile, love, laugh, live, life-something I should not just say, but do.

Smile is my favorite word. But I will admit now that I don’t smile often. With my day to day struggles sometimes I forget to smile. I forget to love, I forget to laugh, I forget to live life. I am lost in my own head that I don’t seem to notice. I have to remind myself to smile a lot. now how can it be my favorite word if I don’t really do it? (and that I don’t pick favorites). Because smiling is something that should naturally happen but for me it doesn’t. Because a bright, happy face isn’t my normal. Just to be able to stop, calm down, and smile is difficult. I have this negative mindset and by telling myself to smile might change my mind. I wish smiling would come easy to me. I over-think which of course makes it difficult to think clearly. A smile could change my whole attitude on life. And life is already difficult. Smile at the little things like a rainbow after the rain, like a fantastic nap, like a laugh with some friends. Also wishing for love so I can smile, love is hard to find. loving someone else’s presence could make me smile. And even getting out of the house in the sunshine could help me live life. I just have to try.

These are just my thoughts, thanks.

Dillydallydallin

Selfies

Because just like every other teen, my phone is something I always use. And also the camera. I take so many pictures. Majority of them are of my frickin face! I thought I would get tired of taking selfies of my same face everyday. Maybe I just get too bored and take pictures? That would […]