what “mother” are you?

You’re crazy! psychotic! Insane! annoying! Rude! Self pitied! Mean! Evil! Stupid! Mentally Sick! There are so many things I could say to express my utter hatred for you but my brain hurts just thinking about such sad things. I wish I could explain without wanting to scream.

I am 16 years old and even I understand what you have done to yourself, and you don’t. You gave birth to me, and I hate you. You are my mother but you are no mom that I look up to. Especially for love. Someone like you, can’t love. You have given me anger, sadness, screams, anxiety, and just numbness. When I was younger I thought I could help you. I thought I could save you from yourself. I like to save people from the world, but I couldn’t save you from yourself. What does that make me? A failure? A disgraceful daughter? I don’t know. I don’t care.

If you died, I wouldn’t care. I wouldn’t mind if you just disappeared, Poof, Gone. Go away and never come back. You ruined a soul and a body. Your mind is poison. You forced your pain onto the rest of us and the weight of your screams has broken me and everyone around.  We have all walked away and have shut you out and you blame us?? Blame yourself. You did this all to yourself. This game, you thought you won, but you have lost, and if you lose your life, you were not worthy of it.

It’s sad to say these things about someone who gave birth to you. Yeah, her presence was there, but she didn’t take care of us. She didn’t love us, help us, discipline us, care for us. Okay, she fed us and clothed us, but not with her own money. The money was my dads. She sat around in front of a screen and did nothing, too wrapped up in the world of the internet and the problems in society but not realizing the problems right in front of her own eyes. While her children could roam the streets and do whatever they wanted and get in trouble. Yeah, some mother.

When your own children, your siblings, your parents, and whatever friends you had, leave you, that’s all your fault. Don’t you dare go around and blame us for your mistakes. for everything you do and you still blame others. You hurt yourself and everyone around you. Is it bad that if you died tomorrow I wouldn’t care? You can go burn in hell because I don’t want you as a mother. You never were a mother anyway so why bother now. Thinking you’re all innocent when you’re the one who came in and screamed and hit people and threw things and were violent. Pretending that you’re the victim and we are the bad guys. Liar!!!

You can never change and my feelings about you wont either. Thanks though. Bye.

-DillyDallyDallin

Depression and Anxiety: A constant battle

I have anxiety and depression. Flat out, there I said it. I know I’m not the only one who struggles and I know I’m not the only one that faces this every day. Anxiety and depression comes and goes and sometimes it stays forever. It eats at you and tears you down, it makes you over-think to the point where it hurts to think. There are so many facts and statistics about anxiety and depression and that even surprises me because that proves that there is that many crazy people in this world! The crazy thing too is that woman have it worse than men, woman are more emotional and more open about their feelings and plus woman normally have a lot more stress than men. 41% of depressed women are too embarrassed to seek help anyway. Anxiety and depression go together so well that sometimes its hard to tell the difference. Really depression is a severe feeling that can interfere with your daily, normal activities and make you really sad for a long period of time. Anxiety, on the other hand, is when you are afraid of something or have worries and fears about something that you can or cannot control.

 

Either it be you or someone close to you struggling, help is not asked for by words, but by actions and the silence screams. People who don’t have anxiety or depression won’t ever understand someone who has depression and anxiety. “normal people” without a mental/emotional disorder of any kind, think and believe that people with a mental/emotional disorder are not “normal people”, that they are crazy and psychotic, a burden to society. And when others think you’re crazy, you don’t get the help you need because you’re afraid of others. Without help, most “not normal people” commit suicide or at least attempt to. Which is sad because suicide hurts everyone involved.

With me, I struggle every day just to function in school. It’s hard to focus and pay attention. It’s hard to talk and listen. It’s hard to interact with others and have a filter. My body aches and I am so tired and out of it. Doing daily things are difficult and I have to use a lot of strength just to get out of bed in the morning. Depression and anxiety make me freak out over absolutely nothing sometimes. Like when I have homework or when I have to do chores.  My emotions and my mood changes on a daily basis too, sometimes I can be happy and sad all at once. And I know I am NOT the only one who feels this way. I don’t know what keeps me strong or what helps me I just suffer and do my daily routine.

 

I am the person to either surround myself with other depressed or anxious people, or be independent and by myself. Really its always been that way. My friends, I know are there for me and are always willing to talk, but I push them away because it’s hard to even speak without wanting to scream. And even if I want to talk about it, I have a lump in my throat to the point where I feel like I can’t breath. My family understands me more than anything because to some extent they have felt the same way before. which is great cause if I am having a problem they understand. Even though I have some support I still don’t really use my resources. It’s hard to talk about everything going on in my head when sometimes they are made up scenarios and crazy thoughts. Some things I think about could scare people, so I just don’t share.

 

Therapy or even talking to someone about daily problems is helpful. I have a therapist.  I can tell her anything and everything and it doesn’t leave the room unless its a concern about me hurting myself or someone else. With therapy, they diagnose you with what disorder you have and try to focus on certain things that could help you. There is Short-term (exogenous) depression, it can be caused by loss or extreme trauma. Then there is Chronic or life-long (endogenous) depression, and is caused by trauma in childhood which includes: emotional, physical or sexual abuse; yelling or threats of abuse; neglect (even two parents working); criticism; inappropriate or unclear expectations; maternal separation; conflict in the family; divorce; family addiction; violence in the family, neighborhood or TV; racism and poverty. Its crazy to think how severe depression is. Anxiety can be just as bad. Biological factors contributing to anxiety are still being studied, but brain scans of people suffering with various anxiety disorders have often shown evidence of chemical imbalances. Surpassing even depression, anxiety is the most common form of mental illness in the United States. It’s estimated that approximately 10 percent of teenagers and 40 percent of adults suffer from an anxiety disorder of some kind. which is a pretty big deal for a lot of people.

 

Anyway, Thanks for listening, I think thats all I want to say. Stay safe and if ya need me I’m here. I am a voice or an ear.  Dilldallydallin

Dreams of Reality

In my mind it’s difficult to understand what’s real and what’s fake. My dreams are so vivid and alive that they feel real, but they’re not. And in my mind, what’s real is just a routine that I have to do on a daily basis. Like my dream about being a witch with magical powers like talking to the dead. Now that was a crazy dream, its not like I could fly or anything, it was just weird. I’ve also had a dream where I could control almost 100% of my brain, although a normal human can only control 10%. I felt pretty powerful about the whole idea. But I don’t feel real, I feel like a dream. My dreams and my reality are so mixed up together that It’s difficult for even me to realize what’s real and what’s not. If you don’t understand my mind, don’t feel alone. Neither do I.

My dreams are never true, but I wish they were. My reality is not the way I want it, but it never will be. I have written many times about dreams and reality. I’ve never really shared my stories though because they didn’t make sense to me. I wish I could find a balance and understand what’s really going on inside my mind. I can’t seem to find control over my dreams or my reality. Thinking, believing, doing, saying: there is no control. I don’t know if I have control over anything. If I did have control it would be different. People tell me to “not do this” and “not do that” and “think before you act.” But I can’t.

You ask me who I am, I say “ I don’t know”, because I really don’t. Maybe it’s a mental disorder, maybe it’s an emotional disorder, or maybe I’m not me. Crazy thing to think about. Not knowing who you are. I can dream about something and believe it really happened or that I really did it. Also something can be real and I won’t remember it, I won’t believe it. I want my mind to be able to comprehend what’s real and what’s fake. Am I crazy? Doubtful. I just don’t know the difference between dreams and reality. Not knowing or just not caring to see the difference. If you can figure out what’s a dream and what’s reality, let me know.

Anyway, See Ya Later,

Dillydallydallin

Outlet or assignment?!

Originally this blogging thing started out as something I had to do for a class but it didn’t seem worth my time. Then I was told “why not make this an outlet?” Alright that works. I will use this as an outlet for my feelings, thoughts, and personal stories. I know this will be public and I hope to see some other opinions from people. Helps Keep my mind open. Thanks.

Memories

I took a walk. My walk was long. My walk was peaceful. With people and cars going on with their daily business. And while getting lost a time or two I can look around and I remember. The memories are faint but I can remember them. The people I knew, the people I met, the people that caused trouble, the people that had fun, the people of the past. I can see it like it was yesterday. Yesterday must be a longtime ago though. Yeah maybe it was the wrong choices to be making but I was a young teen with nothing else to discover. No one to help me. So since I like to explore, I went exploring. Through neighborhood, trails, streets, parks. I discovered the bad but all the good. The rejects of society came to these places where they weren’t rejects. They may have been stoners but they were stoners together. It was an experience worth sharing. Drama was of course involved but we were bigger then petty fights. We stuck up for each other,  hung out, talked, got in trouble, and just had fun. Of corse wrong place wrong time but where else were we going to go. I found a home with the rejects. And I’m frowned upon for the choices I made, but I was happy so I didn’t care. Minutes hours and even days went by and everyone of those moments we were just sitting there being ourselves. It made it easy to slip away from the real world, especially with drugs involved. They were memories and I won’t ever forget them.

My quiet night

I’m sitting outside at night and there’s a clear sky with no clouds and I’m laying here in this chair looking at the beautiful stars listening to god feeling the cold wind on my body and just starring at the sky you see the bright stars move and multiply they shake and bolt across the sky so distant but so close I want to touch them I want to be a star I was to just be they are so peaceful but so quick to change I want them to stay forever of course time keeps moving and so does the stars but I want them to stay I want them in my hands I want to touch them and feel there warmth I want their light to shine inside of me I want to feel them. So close but so far away running shaking moving to no place in particular but they are everywhere all around me surrounding me and consuming me the darkness surrounding the stars is trying to push away the light and hide the stars away but I want them herd I want them to stay I want them to sparkle and glow all around me everything is still moving but I just wan them to stop completely and I was to hold on for a while I just don’t want to let go I want. Is what I keep saying but I know I know I need the stars I need the darkness to go somewhere else I want this moment all the movement can come back later I need the light of the stars in me I need them here touching me the clouds are trying to cover them and take them from me but I will cherish every moment with this warmth and as I stare into the nothing I believe in up there shining with the bright stars and soaring high off the ground. Reaching as high as I can and holding onto the light and never letting go so just let me gaze upon the beauty and hold onto the lights that’s left inside of me and hold on and never let go I am yours and you are mine